You have reached that stage of a relationship where you know deep down inside that it is has come to an end. As sad and heartbreaking this realization is, as liberating it can be. Let’s talk about how to deal with this period in your life in the best way you can, and the stages you usually go through to walk that tunnel and reach the warm sun light.
1. How to deal with a breakup?
✰ The first and most important rule is to be kind to yourself, never tell yourself, I should have acted in this way or that way, that it is my fault, or it is me to blame. Remember that you have acted in that period of time in the best way you can, and you can never do better going back to that moment because you don’t have the knowledge you have now, nor the emotions or the clear intuition. We as human beings, and as part of a community, tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, believing in the goodness of people. So always be kind to yourself, and say that out loud, “I did the best I could do at that moment in time.”
✰ Surround yourself with people who love you and ask them to honor your silence or grief.
✰ Go into nature, as much as you can, even a walk in the park can help.
✰ Talk to someone, preferably a coach, or a therapist because they will help you navigate this loss and find peace.
✰ Remind yourself that it is just a temporary period in your life and it will go away. Remind yourself that life is full of love, joy and opportunities.
✰ If you don’t know if this relationship is actually over, check my blog “Grey Zone in a Relationship”.
After a breakup, people tend to go through all of the following stages, especially if the relationship was extended, significant and deep, or it meant a lot to you. If other wise, in which the relationship was short and insignificant, my guess, you won’t be reading this blog.
2. Stages after a Breakup
Stage One: Denial
Denial has two aspects, first you deny that it is over, you feel that there room to revive things, to fix things, that he/she will reach out, make it all good again, be the person who you want them to be. But, you know deep down in your heart that it came to end and this relationship is over.
The second aspect, that now it is over, you usually act in denial in terms of switching to flight mode. You do whatever in takes to get pass what happened, you distract yourself in an attempt to numb your feelings.
✰ My tip to you is to set down and journal, breath, meditate, cry and say it out loud that it is over and I have to honor how I feel inside. The less you distract yourself, the sooner you will move forward in your life.
Stage Two: Anger
The anger you feel inside will feel overwhelming and sometimes you don’t know how to deal with it, you are angry about how it turned out, angry at the world, at him/her, at yourself and everyone. I feel you and I know how difficult this stage is. In fact, anger is how your mind, body and emotions are trying to deal with that loss in your life.
✰ Avoid reacting or making decisions in a state of anger, wait few minutes, hours, or days so when you act, you act from a place of clarity. Dealing with your anger is a priority for you right now, because the last thing you want is to store it inside your body. Go for walks, breath fresh air, exercise, talk to people who are close to you, cry, write, meditate and keep experimenting with things that help you release the anger.
Stage Three: One More Time
When you are less angry, you start to think of giving it another chance, attempt to reconnect, ask your ex if you could be friends again, or your ex asking you to stay in touch. Again, this is a normal part of breaking up – and it is associated with denial and anger – sometimes it remains as thoughts without acting upon them, and sometimes you go ahead and reach out. All experts in human relationships advices against that, as it is usually a toxic place to be in, and it you will bring you to the Grey Zone, and most importantly, it will slow down your healing and moving forward.
✰ If you did reach out, run as fast as you can, if you are considering reaching out, fight that urge and talk to your coach, or try to understand what you feel inside and what is the intention behind your thoughts.
Stage Four: Grief
Now, that you have come to a realization that it is truly over, it is vital for your healing to grief, and spend time with yourself. This stage could involve being down, gloomy, with low energy and wanting to stay home and not interact with people.
✰ Feeling the emotions and the energy field inside your body helps you to understand your raw feelings and how your body adapts to the loss. End of a relationship is a big event in your life and it can be compared to the death of a person. Therefore, crying, expressing your emotions and grieving is a natural process.
✰ Spend some time alone, seek solitude, and reflect, but don’t isolate yourself from those who love you because their support and presence is important during this tough period in your life. Attempt to look at the emotion, without analyzing it, and be kind to yourself. Journal as much as you can, and resist repeating what happened over and over again inside your mind.
Stage Five: Acceptance, Healing and Moving forward
The most difficult aftermath of breaking up is over, now you are calmer, more in touch with your feelings, and you are considering the best way to move on in your life. Avoid distractions (like dating again, or going out most of the time, or surrounding your self with too much activities, work, people, and chatter) because on the surface, it might give you the illusion that you have moved on, while in reality you are simply distracting yourself.
An essential part of moving on is to avoid repeating the scenarios, thinking about the past, the experiences you had together and how it all fell apart. According to Neuroscience, the mind cannot differentiate between an experience that is happening right now and an experience that happened in the past; hence, it will respond in the same way as if the experience is happing all over again, and you will feel the same emotions inside your body. If you do this repeatedly and unconsciously, the mind and body will be conditioned to that story in which healing and moving on would be challenging to achieve.
3. What can you do?
✰ You need to be aware of the thoughts inside your head, keep repeating inside your head:
I can control my thoughts
the present moment is free of suffering
life is full of joy and opportunities.
✰ When you start dwelling on the past, imagine the red Stop Sign, you don’t want to go through the experience again.
✰ Write down the positive aspect of what happened, what did you learn about yourself and the world, your values, and connection to your authentic-self.
✰ Meditate, journal, and learn new sport, a new hobby, or enroll in a course that you are passionate about.
✰ Plan for the future, what do you want to achieve in the coming year/s
✰ Shift your identity – you are not a victim nor powerless, nor someone without a partner, you are not even your body nor your circumstances. Your are, before anything else, a soul that is sacred and holy.
Close your eyes, breath, and complete this sentence: I am …
Asma J. 2025